Tortured Thoughts. Pt2 (Trigger Warning)

“Some people feel guilty about their anxieties and regard them as a defect of faith. I don’t agree at all. They are afflictions not sins. Like all afflictions, they are, if we can so take them, our share in the Passion of Christ” – C.S. Lewis

I woke up….ugh, why did I have to wake up? I don’t want to go to the hospital but my husband is making me. They keep asking me questions, I just wanted to sleep for a very long time. They recommend outpatient, but that would be another bill and I’m already not contributing financially, so I feel like I can’t. My husband thinks I should, but I can’t put another debt on him. I’m so low, I haven’t felt this low before, its always stopped at the thoughts…..I don’t know what to do, I don’t even know how to tell people. Why is this so hard? I AM SO NUMB….

Someone checked on me….someone else checked on me….these people are almost strangers, but they’re the only ones who know….and they checked on me. Maybe people do care..Maybe God does still care…I keep seeing posts of people who have the same thoughts/feelings as I do…so there are other people who feel the same? I’m not alone? I’m still tired and sad, but at least I want to wake up now. I still feel like I need to find a job. I still don’t want to be around people who will ask about my job search or will comment on my weight “all in good fun”, who will ask me why I don’t have kids yet ugh!

I still feel sad, but I found another possible career. I signed up for training classes online, bought the books, engrossed myself in that world….started off well…..but I’m still certain I will mess this up somehow, that I will either not do well or not be good enough. That I don’t have enough experience to be of any help, I feel like a failure again. And now I’ve wasted money on courses and books, I’ve shared with others that this is what I’m going to do, but can barely bring myself to do it. Why is this my life? People ask me how it’s going and it’s always a struggle, but how can I fully explain what I think they won’t understand? I barely understand…..

My husband is thriving, I think i’m jealous of his success. I want to be successful, but feel like its not possible. We still argue a lot. We’re in therapy, joint as well as my individual….it helps, more ups than downs. I don’t feel as alone, I get out a little bit more than before…I found another job, an old co-worker set me up with something at his job…another call center but a big focus on data entry..I’m doing great, no phones so far and everyone seems impressed. This might work, this just might work!

Oh no, I have to get on phones now, but it still feels better than other jobs like this, still doing well except I’m slow so I’m here really late….why do I seem so spacey, why am I struggling to catch my breath/breathe while I’m here? Why are the heart palpitations back? Why can’t I focus my eye sight? Why am I so irritable. My husband says I should quit, that is affecting my health..I’m tired of being a quitter, tired of not contributing, so I stay…..but the symptoms keep getting worse, I feel like I’m losing my mind, and drowning again. I can’t go down that path, again. So I quit…again….and feel like a failure..again…but everyone is congratulating me for quitting. Everyone seems really happy that I don’t work there anymore. Everyone could see the damage it was doing….

I still would rather be alone, but where is everyo….oh wait there’s some people…maybe I’m not alone…maybe God is with me…..where did these people come from? Was He always there?…I’m getting out some more. I’m helping my husband some more, I’m helping friends some more, I’m helping people who are hurting some more….I feel more useful, like at least in those moment I have a point. My husband and I have started a group for married couples to get together and be a support to each other and a group to help people recognize/understand their spiritual gifts. Starting to see that my issues have a heavy spiritual component, that my issues are in direct correlation with my giftings…

We had to stop the groups for a little but I’m hoping that we get them going again soon….wow….I’m hopeful again..I actually have hope….again…. I’m starting to be more open with my struggles, feels good to get things out. Still going to therapy but I’m starting to let other people in as well..not fully, but enough to not feel isolated. I’m realizing that the more I share, the better I feel, the more empowered I become, the more healing I experience, the more healing I can help facilitate in others. I feel hopeful….again…. I’m still anxious, I still experience depressive/hopeless moments, but it feels good to recognize how God can use me even in my low times. Feels good that I don’t have to be perfect or even in a “good place” for there to be a purpose to my life…feels good to fight for myself….feels good to feel…good…

Can you relate? Send me your thoughts! Let me know in the comments or use the contact tab to shoot me an email!

Disclaimer: If this is your current struggle, please fight as hard as you can to reach out to someone. I know how difficult it is once you are in this head space, but I truly believe there is someone in all of our lives who we can reach out to in our times of need. I couldn’t see them easily/didn’t always recognize them but they were there. You can also utilize the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255 or their online chat. There is also a crisis text line in the US, just text HOME to 741741 (it’s free), since I know it’s always easier for my to type then talk. I don’t always know what to say but feel free to message/email me too if that is more comfortable to you. Please don’t let go…

12 thoughts on “Tortured Thoughts. Pt2 (Trigger Warning)

  1. You are a strong woman! It is so hard to speak about these feelings with those we love, but fighting past the walls you’ve built around yourself & putting yourself “out there” for the world— THAT TAKES STRENGTH. I’m finding myself on a similar journey, but still struggle with getting past myself and out of my own head. We have an amazing support system of family and close friends, the struggle is allowing them into our space and letting them help. Blessings to you through your journey, may you reach those who are struggling, and give them strength to push past themselves and allow the love of others to lift them up in support.


    1. This encouragement is everything!!! Thank you so much for reading and leaving this touching comment! And yes it is oftentimes hard to see the support around us or even let them help because the mind has us in this dark hole where we don’t believe help is feasible or attainable. I’m learning to let people in more and to recognize help from where I least expected it! Thanks again for your time and sentiments!


  2. May God continue to use you and your voice. So many people suffering in silence but your strength, immense courage and emerging tenacity is giving a safe space for those with a parallel path. Thank you so much for your willingness to share. I pray your boldness continues to bring a measure of purpose, healing and wholeness to you and those who are yet struggling to find a voice.


    1. Thank you thank you thank you!!! I’m so glad you checked this out and I really appreciate your encouragement and prayer sis! This really means a lot to me coming from you!


  3. God showed me your blog at a time when I felt so close to having a mental breakdown. People who have not been there mean well but really can’t relate. Your blogs not only let me know I am not alone but also gives me hope. Keep pouring out your heart and watch other wives begin to identify and heal from the pain we abhor but embrace at the same time. I thank God for you and your ministry and pray that He continues to bless you and your marriage.


    1. Wow! Bless The Lord! I’m so glad He brought you here to give you hope and to show you that you’re not alone! Thank you for not only reading but sharing your vulnerability with me! I don’t take it lightly or for granted! Praying for you because I know mental breakdowns are tough! One day at a time Sis. We’re in this together!


  4. THIS?!!!! Everything! It was as if you were recording my thoughts for the past couple of years. The tallying of “failures” lead me to these same thoughts of isolation, being unworthy, unable to trust others, and a whole lot of shame. So I started guarding my life from others and spending more time with my family and God. I started praying over thoughts of fear, rejection and failure. Read a couple of books on self-love, turned my music up louder and tried to find the fun-loving me again. The one thing I have always loved about you was your “fun-lovingness” (yup..out here making up my own words). I felt like we shared that. So to read these thoughts and be able to see the similarities is confirmation that who we truly are is under attack. We have been warned many times. But we’ve also been assured that we’re not alone. God said he would NEVER leave us nor forsake us. God is not the author of division. He adds, subtracts and multiplies. Somehow we have let our thoughts become more powerful than God’s thoughts toward us. If I put as much work into Philippians 4:8, training my thoughts, than I do criticizing and judging myself, my perspective of myself could change. That’s one thing I’ve rarely tried. The question is, “How bad do I want it?” Or do I want to still do things MY WAY? NOPE. Ihop, you hop, wehop (insider). I love you and I’m expecting great things, cause you’re the daughter of a GREAT KING and the wife of a GREAT KING’S son. Walk it out, no sprints, just walk.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Girrrrrrl!!!! Yes yes yes!!! I love this and am super encouraged by your words! I also LOVE “fun-lovingness” and will be using it from now on! I’m going to continue implementing some of what you mentioned that you did! I so appreciate and love you!


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