Tortured Thoughts. Pt 1 (Trigger Warning)

“Temperamentally anxious people can have a hard time staying motivated, period, because their intense focus on their worries distracts them from their goals” – Winifred Gallagher

**My personal inner thoughts from “I do” through year 2**

Yay I’m married! Ow! Can’t wait to get back to Philly, continue my career in financial aid and build the life we talked about. We argued a lot during our honeymoon…is this normal? Still had some great moments but the arguments… isn’t it too soon for that? Shouldn’t we still be in the “honeymoon phase?”

I love our apartment, it’s quiet and cozy and its ours. I’m excited to start this job search! I have so much experience and I’m ready to hit the ground running. We argue a lot, is this normal? Oh! We have to find a church too! Time to start the search! There are soooo many jobs that fit what I’m looking for!! Interviews galore! I’m a perfect fit for most of these and the interviewers seem to really like me!…..So why aren’t they calling me back? Oh they went with someone else? No problem I’ll keep applying! People are asking me how the job search is going, Fine! Still looking! I’m sure I’ll find something soon!…still no call backs…we argue a lot is this normal? Why aren’t they choosing me? I fit what they’re looking for….is it because I’ve gained some weight? Maybe I’m not as qualified as I thought? I gotta find something, I have to contribute, I’m not used to struggling to find work.

There’s a lot of old issues surfacing in my life…I don’t feel so well. I always feel sick, so many health issues, but I need to find work asap. Maybe a temp agency? I’m feeling pretty alone. My husband has a job but I’m just stuck here. I feel so far away from everything. Isolated. Where is everybody? Where is God? It’s not like how it was the last time I lived in Philly…

I got a call center job, I feel like I’m going backwards career wise b/c I worked so hard at my last job to get off of the phones, but I need to contribute. I feel like I’m not contributing enough. Does that mean I’m not a good wife? We still argue a lot. We found a church, I became a member quickly b/c I wanted to be involved like I was at my last church. Why is it so hard for me to connect? Why do I feel so empty when I’m here? Why do I dread going? What is going on? Temp job ended, now what? Whenever I meet people they always ask what I’m doing or where I work and I don’t have an answer. I hate those questions, now I don’t really like being around people, but still…where is everybody?

Husband got me a job at his job. Feeling a lil better, like I can fill a role. Training is going great, another call center job but I’m enjoying training. I get really tense when we practice on the phone, but that’s a normal feeling. Out of training….a few days later and I’m having panic attacks. I can’t go back. The thought of going back gives me heart palpitations, I struggle breathing, can’t think straight, and am super tense. I resign….how can I explain this to anyone when it barely makes sense to me? So I don’t want to see anyone, but…where is everybody? Where is God?

I’m so sad, nothing is going right. I feel alone, and pointless. There is no way I’m a good wife, I feel like such a failure. How am I struggling this hard? My husband suggested I focus on my hair care line. Maybe that will help me feel better, I like all natural stuff and I like helping people. I’m actually excited about something… We still argue a lot.

I’m starting to get the hang of this entrepreneurial life. But what if something goes wrong? How can I be sure it will help people? What if it doesn’t? I keep seeing other products and they seem so certain. People tell me they like my product, but why don’t I believe them? I’m still sad, this didn’t fix it. It’s not bringing in enough money either, why can’t I contribute to my home? I don’t feel so well…

Another vacation, maybe that will help. We argue a lil but not as much, I enjoy these trips. Now I’m back home, I still feel like a failure. I feel like I’ve let everyone down, I feel like I let God down. I feel like I missed the mark so many times that He must be done with me. Why can’t I hear Him anymore? I got another job, I’m an assistant, better than being in a call center. Maybe call centers just make me anxious, I don’t know. Its going well, feel like I’m finally contributing.

I’m still sad…it’s overwhelming, I feel like I’m drowning. But where is everybody? Maybe nobody likes me forreal…Is it because I’m still gaining weight? Is it because I don’t live close enough? Maybe God doesn’t like me forreal…Why do I feel so alone? So…pointless…I’m so tired, I have trouble sleeping, tea doesn’t work. Maybe I’ll try an OTC sleep aid. That helps a lil, but I’m still so sad…

We still argue a lot, I’m still lonely, I’m still a failure, I can’t even find or stick with a job, I keep gaining weight, I hate how I look, everyone else probably feels the same way about me, they are lying if they say otherwise. Why am I here again? I just want to sleep….let me take another pill…..I just want to sleep….maybe another pill…..just want to sleep for a bit, another pill…..just want to sleep for a while, another pill….I don’t want to wake up… more pill……………..

**Cont’d in Pt. 2**

Disclaimer: If this is you currently, please fight as hard as you can to reach out to someone. I know how difficult it is once you are in this head space, but I truly believe there is someone in all of our lives who we can reach out to in our times of need. I couldn’t see them easily/didn’t always recognize them but they were there. You can also utilize the National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-8255 or their online chat. There is also a crisis text line in the US, just text HOME to 741741 (it’s free), since I know it’s always easier for my to type then talk. I don’t always know what to say but feel free to message/email me too if that is more comfortable to you. Please don’t let go…

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